Adventures of an Asshole

Because you suck


Stories - The Toilet Paper Adventure - 25-Jun-2007 @ 06:04

One night I was hanging out with my two friends Gilby and Boston, and also my brother. It was supposed to be a mini-LAN party and movie watching thing, nothing too bad ass, just hanging out. But that got boring, so Gilby had this idea that we go out and TP some houses, because there was nothing else to do.

So, we went to a store and got a 50 roll pack of toilet paper, and on our way out this big black guy goes "Oh shit! Four white boys with a lot of toilet paper, I know where this is going!" And we made our way back to Gilby's house. After unpacking the toilet paper and figuring out the best way to carry it out, we came up with a plan of attack, and that plan was simple; we just would walk to the next block and TP as many houses as we could.

As we were walking out, Gilby's mother told us not to get caught. And, we didn't at first. It started off well, we decorated the neighborhood, instantly adding a wonderful TP touch to the entire thing, then we came to this big house with some big ass trees, and so we spend extra time decorating this one.

I noticed a car coming so I told them to stop for a second until it passed. However, it didn't pass, it was actually the guy's house, and he was just coming home. We were standing there as he pulled up into the drive way. You can guess what happened next. We ran like hell.

We ran through his back yard and through some other yards and ended up hopping over a bunch of fences. However, one time when I was hopping over this picked fence, my belt loop got caught on one of the picks, and I went side ways with my ass in the air and my face hit the fence. My face was instantly covered in mildew, splinters, and dirt. I started screaming "MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!" and then Gilby runs back, and actually picks me up off the fence.

We kept running and ended up in this back yard where the lights were on, we froze and I said "Someone's home!". Then all of a sudden after about 30 seconds, Gilby says "Hey, this is my house." Then we laughed and went inside.

It took a little while to clean all that shit off my face, but it finally came off and irritated the hell out of my face. After all that we watched some movies, then we decided to go to bed for lack of anything better to do. The only problem is we had to all share the same bed, which was just a mattress. I had no problem with this, wasn't like we were sleeping naked.

But after a few minutes Boston says "Something smells like gay ass." I replied "You're the gay ass". Then Gilby and everyone else came to the conclusion that it was me, and he demanded that I take a shower. So, I did. However, when I came back, it smelled worse, so I said "Well, it still smells like 'gay ass' in here, and I'm happy to say mine is clean enough to lick." It turned out to be Gilby the entire time.

But while I was gone, these assholes took up the entire bed and wouldn't make room for me, so I picked up the mattress and rolled them all off. Someone said "Was that an earthquake?" I replied "Yes, there are a lot in this part of the world." they said "Oh." Then when I laid down, I said "Anyone fucks with me in my sleep, next weekend I'll be fucking your mother." In all, we got about 2 hours of sleep.

At about 7 am we decided to take a walk to review our work in decorating the neighborhood. Some how, all the houses were clean, that is all but the house where the guy pulled up. He was out there with a water hose trying to get it out of the tree. So, we waved at him and he happily waved back.