I have five neighbors that I really hate, and I'm not talking about the kind of hate where you wish they would go away. I am talking about the kind of hate where you pray to God every night that he smites them with the likeness of Lot's wife and turns them into a pillar of salt.

I live in an apartment so I have to share near-quarters with the likeness of individuals that shouldn't be allowed to be in contact with other human beings, much less live amongst them. Proof of this can be shown with the following:

1) Upstairs lives a crazy woman and her crazy husband. Every night, all night, she beats him up, kicks him out, stomps all night long. In the day time she listens to her radio very loud while cleaning, so loud I can hear the voices of the music clearly through the ceiling. Yes, I have complained to the office, but her brother or some such shit owns the apartment complex, so there's nothing I can really do about it. 

Earlier this week I heard them fleeing their apartment and yelling. From behind my door, I could hear everything clearly. Apparently the oldest retard of their children had done something to short circuit the fuse box, and caused a fire. Or maybe I should put it, "YA'LL DONE SET THE HOUSE ON FIYA!" He ran off down the street and she chased him as his moron friends hooted and hollered. 

The fire department showed up. It turned out not to be a big deal, but it sure was fucking nice of them not to tell other people they set the place on fire. And the next few days I was treated to the sounds of construction as their upstairs shanty was fixed.

In all honesty, they aren't as bad as my old neighbors -- which was a giant, fat ass, white trash lady who had a bunch of kids in a two bedroom apartment and stayed up all night, and they would play kickball between the apartment buildings, breaking windows, and so forth.

2) I think everyone has one of these neighbors. It's the guy who thinks he's hot shit being a weekend warrior, revving up his Harley-Davidson knockoff every night after he returns from his office job. Honestly, this motorcycle shit is really fucking retarded. I can't believe anyone is into this. I realize the re-birth, of sorts, occurred because of shows like West Coast Choppers and American Chopper. 

Let me make something clear, if you are one of these people. In those shows, the people featured are call, you are not. You are everything that is totally uncool, and your friends won't tell you, but right now, I am trying to help you save yourself; you look like a fucking idiot. Nobody buys your bad ass attitude.

3) For some reason or another, the woman that lives catty-corner to me slams her door every single day, at exactly 7:35AM. slam, SLAM, SLAM, SLAM!!!!. To what purpose? I have no fucking idea. I've watched her do it. For some reason, I haven't confronted her about it. I guess that's because I enjoy watching people get yelled at, at a distance, and I'm hoping someone else will say something. I don't know much about her other than she's got a giant ass, and makes a lot of fucking noise, to the point where it can knock pictures off my wall -- not even joking.

4) There's another guy with a really shitty car. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact my car is pretty shitty, but he really needs to rethink living close to other people. He comes into the neighborhood every night making a noise much like you'd expect in downtown Sarajevo. If I didn't know any better, I'd say his car has a shopping cart trapped under it. It's the kind of noise where you really wish you could stab your ears out with a pencil.

5) Perhaps one of my favorite people to watch from a distance is the "crip gang member" that lives directly across from me. I always seem him walking around at various hours in the day and night. He's a hefty, slightly down's syndrome looking guy. Whether he's alone or not, he's rapping to himself about killing cops and shooting people -- none of which rhymes. My favorite part is that he's a white guy, not only that but he carries his blue bandanna, like he's a crip gang member, even throwing up crip signs, except there's one problem -- he always wears the bandanna on the wrong side of his body. I sometimes wonder if he really is slightly retarded.