Adventures of an Asshole

Hi, my name is Tony, and I'm an asshole. I have lived in a lot of places, I've met a lot of people, and I've been involved with some less than moral people. This page here is documentation of my real life.

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Taco Bell and Toilet Surprise - 11-Jun-2011 @ 22:34

As seen in a couple of other stories, I like Taco Bell. That's fairly apparent from the fact annoying shit keeps happening when I go there, yet I keep going. This post involves two separate incidents, though only one really has to do with tacos.

I went to Taco Bell, and the line was pretty long at the drive thru, so I decided to go inside so I could wait in the nice cool air. Inside was this crazy guy who is there a lot, he talks to himself and talks really loudly, and he also has a radio he listens to baseball games on. He's got this really fucked up over bite making him look like Mr. Ed, and he sits there with a clear water cup, drinking stolen soda out of it.

This evening I walk in and he's talking about Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson, claiming that she should have "slapped the white off of him," when he ripped her bra thing off. I always ignore him, I try to avoid crazies as much as possible.

There was also this woman there with her three Junior High aged sons, all dressed like they had just got done at basketball practice -- blue shorts and a white shirts. They were about 10 feet from me, and I was standing at essentially between them and the crazy guy.

Crazy guy finally comes into 2011 while I'm ordering my food, claiming that Anthony Weiner, who had just been busted for showing his dick and ripped muscles to women on the Internet would "any in other country have had his head chopped off and executed on live television." I'm not sure what countries he's talking about, but he's so fucking wrong it's outside the realm of crazy and into retarded land. All I could do was roll my eyes at this.

After I sit down right near where I was standing, to wait for my food, he starts talking about how things were "so much different when [he] was younger." The guy couldn't have been a day over 40, so it's not like life was that fucking different. He finally says what bothers him most about kids these days:

When I was a kid, if I was going anywhere other than to the beach with a girl wearing shorts, I would have been beaten!

I turn to him and I say: "Hey! Mind your own fucking business psycho!"

He doesn't say anything for a second, and the mother of the three boys quietly tells them to "go wait outside." After they walk out he starts going on and on about how he doesn't understand where "respect" went, yeah as if calling out kids is respectful. He then says:

If you want to know what's wrong with kids in this country, just look at who is in the white house!

What the fuck? I said "Shut the fuck up, you racist bitch." His retort was pretty classic racist:

Racism?! Hah! Racism was invented by the media! I don't see color!

Didn't he just say a second ago that Janet Jackson should have slapped the white off Justin Timberlake?

I know he's crazy, but he wasn't that crazy, he was still at least on planet Earth. I said "Jesus, what a fucking psycho, man" to the guy behind the counter. After I said that, our Charlie Sheen-level crazy friend didn't say anything else or even look at me. I'm not sure if he switched personalities or thought I'd break his transistor radio.

I talked with the guys behind the counter some, apparently he's in there all the time, harasses customers, and the police has been called on him before, yet he always just comes back anyway. I thought about spitting on him as I left, but I decided he already has enough shit and piss on him, he probably wouldn't notice.

After I get home from Taco Bell, I'm sitting there about to watch Old School and eat some serious tacos. I hear the toilet in the basement flush. I instantly go into murder ninja mode, grabbing a long knife ready to turn any mother fucker in my house into a piñata.

I go down there and see the cat looking in the toilet. She apparently had flushed the toilet, but I searched the basement anyway to see if there was anyone to kill, unfortunately not.

Wait a second, my cat can flush the fucking toilet?

Kings of Leon worst band of the last decade. Who am I kidding, last 250 years - 09-Jan-2010 @ 19:50

I seriously never heard of Kings of Leon until I was watching VH1's Top 40 of 2009, which really was a show made to shove the same stupid shit down your throat one last time before the calendar changed. Anyway, not only had I never heard of them before this point, they were #2 on the count down, not only that, some fucking retard on the show (which I've seen before on other VH1 shows) claimed that they were "the greatest rock band out there."

They fucking suck.

I didn't hear about Kings of Leon until the end of 2009 because I'm not a person that runs around with a Top 40 billboard chart attached to my ass. Instead I've got this revolutionary mindset where I listen to what I want, when I want, and if sucks I don't listen to it. The guy who made such a bold claim reminds me of those utter morons who say things like "How can you have more than 200 songs?" Being musically retarded doesn't mean that you know what the hell you're talking about.

Just because the "world's greatest rock band" is irrelevant, that hasn't stopped idiot performers from jumping on the bandwagon. There are about 7 billion cover versions of their hit song "Use Somebody." Why? I have no fucking idea, but I have to be honest and say some of the cover versions are actually better than the original, but most of them suck just as bad.

Here's a run down of everyone that's covered them to date:

1. Margaret Durante
2. Paramore (they obviously can't spell)
3. Kelly Clarkson (she made the song gain weight too)
4. Nickelback (they managed to make it sound exactly like all of their other songs, which also all sound exactly like each other)
5. Pixie Lott (she's hot but clearly a moron)
6. VV Brown
7. Friendly Fires
8. Tiki Taane
9. NX Zero (even the Brazilians can't escape this scourge of the Earth)
10. Brooke White
11. Ultrabeat
12. Trae
13. Laura Jensen
14. Steve Appleton
15. Justin Timberlake
16. Bat For Lashes
17. Nick Jonas (fag)

There's probably a billion more versions we haven't heard about, but clearly this is becoming the next The First Cut Is The Deepest, which is another song covered by countless idiots, and it's even more terrible. Aside from having stupid lyrics and stupid tune, it was written by terrorist supporter Cat Stevens; fuck him too.

I feel comfortable stating that Kings of Leon is as revolutionary and as great as O-Town. Simply put they're both overrated crap that might excite a small group of morons but for the most part it's the same recycled horse shit we get every year.

Let's do a side by side comparison.

The groups are more or less the same: you have the intellectual yet sensitive one, the freaky one, the leader/tough guy, and the rugged rocker. O-Town however has the black guy to help even things out a bit and to make their songs more sexy now that their #1 hits will have a big penis.

Really the conclusion is that Kings of Leon is not the greatest band out there, Tom Christopher Band is!

Fuck this grocery store - 29-Sep-2009 @ 20:59

In a previous story I talked about these old wiggers at a grocery store where I had to lay the smack down. Today I went back to that grocery store for some soda - you know for a quick pick-me-up, and I decided I'm never going back to that store again.

I didn't bother grabbing a cart or basket because I was only getting two things. I got one 24 pack of Vanilla Coke and one 24 pack of Mountain Dew Voltage or whatever it's called. So I'm carrying one in each hand.

It's about 6:30, which is just after rush hour so the place is packed with jackasses who thought it was a genius idea to all rush to the super market after work. I guess that makes me a genius too, after all, I was there. There were probably 40 to 50 people waiting in line to check out either by a human being (about 30 of them) or by self-check out. Since the line was so long for the human, yes, there was only one fucking lane open, I decided to go through self-checkout. There are four self-checkout machines, two on the left, and two on the right. I was standing on the right so I pretty much was forced to use the ones on the right.

A blond woman that was obviously too busy to notice me cut in line with her cart full of groceries and got the free check out. I was obviously annoyed by this, but I decided to let it go, no big deal, right?

When have I ever made a big deal out of something? Exactly.

As I'm waiting for her or the massively obese woman in front of her at the other machine to finish checking out, I look over to my right at some sexy lady who just picked up some flowers. While I was distracted for, at a maximum of four to five seconds, the obese woman leaves, so I thought "finally, time to get out of here."

As I'm about to step forward, a guy walks right past everyone in line and takes the machine.

Fuck! I'm getting really pissed. At this point I'd say something, but I keep thinking "just keep cool and I'll get out of here before you know it." I guess I jinxed myself with that one.

The guy has a cart full of shit, and every single time he scans an item, he asks this employee near by how much it costs. Did this moron not look at the price when he put it in his basket? I'm not exaggerating here, he did this with every item. Meanwhile the woman directly in front of me, the first person who cut, is still taking forever, but now I'm more pissed about this guy than anything else.

Mr. Local-Idiot, as I'll call him, keep getting close to the screen as if he's trying to read microscopic print, but it's:

LITERALLY THIS FUCKING BIG:

$5.99

I'm probably 20 feet away and I can read the prices on the screen. It's not like this guy was some old jackass, because if he was, I'd cut him some slack, instead he was in his 30s, and obviously wasn't retarded or somehow sick in the head, he was just a fucking moron who obviously needed glasses or binoculars.

This goes on, and on, and the woman in front of me is taking forever, carefully bagging every item (even cans) as if they're all eggs and bread.

About 10 minutes pass, and finally I feel the hulk-rage building inside me, and Mr. Local-Idiot is looking like he's ready to leave, however he says "I'll be right back, I forgot my money in my truck."

HOLY FUCK THIS GUY IS DRIVING? HE CAN'T SEE A GOD DAMN THING!

Before I lose my mind and start pissing on people, I simply let go of my soda and let it crash to the floor and walk out. Not really the big scene I usually make, but I was so sick of that shit. I usually don't have a problem with line cutters, only at that particular grocery store, it must be the high-class, white, douche bag millionaires living in the area, after all, it's not every day you see every single guy around you wearing a dirty wife-beater standing next to their 600+ pound wives in motorized carts.

Popular places that are no big deal (Part I) - 21-Feb-2009 @ 21:50

Welcome to the first addition of "Popular places that are no big deal". Now, to clarify, these are cities that are, for whatever reason, really popular but in reality are really fucking stupid and should never have been popular. I've never lived in these cities, so this isn't one of those stupid teenage angst things "anywhere I live is the worst place to live."

So, let's get to it.

Peoria, Illinois

For some fucking reason Peoria is a place where tons of musicians stop when they tour. Here are some facts about Peoria (from Wikipedia):

1. The city of Peoria is home to a United States courthouse, the Peoria Civic Center (which includes Carver Arena), and the world headquarters for Caterpillar Inc..
   
   Read: Peoria is the home to one of nearly 500 court houses in the US, a meeting place most cities have, and a factory. It's a barrel of fucking monkeys.
   
2. Peoria is one of the oldest settlements in Illinois, much older than Chicago, as explorers first ventured up the Illinois River from the Mississippi.
   
   Just because it's older doesn't mean it's better; if that was true, I'd want to fuck your grandma instead of your sister. Maybe they should change their city motto to: Maybe you should have gone to Chicago!
   
3. Peoria consistently ranks in the Top 10 Best Mannered Cities in America as compiled by etiquette expert Marjabelle Young Stewart.
   
   So, other than having an unwarranted sense of importance, they're also pompous.
   
4. Peoria has become famous as a representation of the average American city because of its demographics and its perceived mainstream Midwestern culture. On the Vaudeville circuit, it was said that if an act would succeed in Peoria, it would work anywhere. The question "Will it play in Peoria?" has now become a metaphor for whether something appeals to the American mainstream public, and Peoria is often used as a test market for new products, services,...
   
   In other words, they're so bland and ununique that they're the center of testing, maybe next they'll test some chemical weapons.
   
5. Peoria is the 150th largest radio market in the United States and the 117th largest TV market in the United States.
   
   Could they make the city sound less important? It's like one of those T-ball matches for kids, "Well Jimmy Peoria, Jr, you came in 150th place, but you're still a winner! Here's a trophy!" Except, in reality, they're still losers.

Here are some reader thoughts on Peoria:

i knew a cripple guy from peoria, and to be honest, that's the only thing i can equate it with - anonymous

I have a friend who has this group of idiot friends he always visits in peoria.... so i associate peoria with retarded dumbasses - big tom

Anything else worth mentioning wasn't actually worth mentioning. Peoria is really the dullest place on Earth, and perhaps touring Truth or Consequences, New Mexico would be a better choice - at least the name is cool, and that means it already has a lot more going for it.

Lawrence, Kansas

If you enjoy reading passive aggressive letters on the Internet, or enjoy indie bands, surely you've heard of Lawrence, Kansas. This place rivals Peoria in how completely unimportant it is. There are much bigger cities surrounding it, however since Lawrence is a college town, this obviously makes it the cultural Mecca of the tri-state area. If a band tours Peoria, sure as hell they're going to Lawrence.

The fact that it's a college town automatically gives it +10,000 retard points (Berkeley has gone beyond the threshold of retard points possible). There is almost nothing worse in the world than a college town,.. well except maybe a town in Florida or Biloxi, Mississippi. Other than shitty indie bands with cheeky songs including strange sounds from buckets, anuses, and long dicks, here is the next greatest event happening in Lawrence:

Dollar Bowling
Royal Crest Bowling Lanes
9:00pm–1:00am
Lawrence, KS

At least they have dollar bowling; this way a grad student can actually afford to take a freshman out on a date, so he can get her turned on bragging about his thesis on Tolstoy and how he thinks the 13 colonies were pre-capitalist long before the establishment of the union.

If you ever see me in Peoria or Lawrence, you knew I've fucked up my life big time.

Some guy on Fox - 02-Jan-2009 @ 15:48

Holy shit. If you've watched Fox's Sunday night shows, such as The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad, etc then you might be familiar with the latest annoyance. For some fucking reason, perhaps to help people find a reason to end it all, they have this annoying asshole talking about "Animation domination continues!"

The voice sounds slightly familiar to a lot of people because a very, very similar voice has been used in South Park over the years. Some people have told me the voice in the Fox commercials is Seth Green. Well, regardless, whoever it is should be beaten to death. I can't think of any voice more asinine than his.

I had a hard time finding an example of the voice, so here's a video the features the voice in the last seconds of the run. The voice at the end isn't as annoying as it usually is, but if you find something better, please contact me:

Now here's the voice from South Park:

Who ever is doing the voice is clearly trying to copy the voice from South Park. This, in general, wouldn't really bother me, except of how incredibly annoying it is - it is just fucking terrible.

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