Adventures of an Asshole

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

 

Adventures of an Asshole

Hi, my name is Tony, and I'm an asshole. I have lived in a lot of places, I've met a lot of people, and I've been involved with some less than moral people. This page here is documentation of my real life.

Latest Updates

My friend's new site - 26-Dec-2008 @ 20:27

My good friend Eric setup a web site for paranormal stuff. While I'm not really into that kind of thing, ghosts, UFOs, and such, he is and so I decided to give him a bit of a plug and a link from my site. His web site is called Project Paranormal, and has various paranormal stuff, including ghosts, ufos, cryptozoological crap, photos (ghost photos, ufo photos, etc), paranormal forums, news, etc.

So be so kind as to check his stuff out, I'd greatly appreciate it - after all, there isn't much going on here.

It is very annoying, HOT - 24-Nov-2008 @ 21:12

Last year I thought it was gone, but now it's back. It's a trend that is destined to make me climb a clock tower. It's the absolutely terrible fashion statement of describing your products as "hot" because you warm it up. Let me elaborate a bit.

There are two commercials that this is really centered around, the first is Frosted Mini-Wheats and the second is Ovaltine. Both show off how their product can be put in the microwave and made hot. Shit, that's fucking amazing, nobody's ever done that with food, cereal, or milk.

The part that gets me is how they use the word "HOT" after their product name, as if we speak Spanish. "Frosted Mini-Wheats, Hot" and "Ovaltine, Hot". This is where they are saying it in such a way as to make it sound as if the product name includes the word "hot" and some significant change has been made to their product.

Not a fucking thing has changed.

So, what's my point? My point is, we speak English. It's all well and good if the commercial was in Spanish, but it's in English, and adjectives tend to come BEFORE nouns.

Well, I guess I'll go get a nice cup of coffee, HOT.

Wichita, Kansas has the worst drivers on earth - 23-Nov-2008 @ 20:29

If you ever visit Wichita, Kansas, beware that the worst drivers wait for you there. Personally I have lived in various parts of the country and been to various parts of the world - originally I thought California had the worst drivers, but I was all too wrong.

1) Apparently right-on-red doesn't exist as a concept

If you're behind someone with their turn blinker on, and they're turning right, they probably will wait until the light turns green to go. Right-on-red is completely legal in Wichita, but nobody seems to understand how it works, so be ready to wait a while, which brings me to my next point.

2) Stop lights seem to take at least twice as long as anywhere else I have ever been on this planet

I'm not even fucking joking. Stop lights here are probably programmed the way they are so that the slow and retarded drivers aren't too confused. A two lane road with a stop light takes nearly 5 minutes in Wichita, while other places like California it's about 2 to 3 minutes.

3) Green means go

If you've ever seen that episode of Sliders where Quinn slides to an alternate universe where Red means go and Green means stop, then you might understand that's how it works in Wichita. Sometimes you can get stuck behind someone who will sit at a green light until it turns red again.

4) Nobody knows how to turn

In Wichita the idea of turning seems a bit lost on some people, they seem to believe that you should come to a complete stop and hold up traffic for over a minute while you try to figure out how the steering wheel works. This also goes for merging lanes on the highway, people also tend to come to a complete or near-complete stop to merge at 60mph.

6) The merging thing also is a problem because in Wichita the people who design roads are retarded

That's true. In most parts of the country on and off ramps are fairly far apart, but not in Wichita. It's the exact opposite in that beautiful city. There is about two to three car lengths between the on and off ramps in most cases, even on the god damn interstate. That means people are trying to not hit each other when getting on and off, and traffic slows down horribly, also because people are slamming on their breaks.

7) Speed zone means slam on your breaks to a complete stop?

In Wichita it does. If there is a speed zone or one of those school zones, instead of letting one's car slowly go down to that speed (as one should) or mildly slowing down with the breaks, to people in Wichita it's OH MY FUCKING GOD SLAM ON THE BREAKS AS IF THERE'S AN INFANT RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! GAHRAHRHFAHE!

8) Nobody here can pronounce "El Dorado"

If you guessed "El Doh-rah-doh", you're correct, but oh no, not here. There's a city here with that name, and they insist that it's "El Doh-ray-doh". How fucking stupid is that? I know this is off topic, but I had to say something.

9) Wanna get read ended? Come to Wichita

That's right. You see in Wichita people seem to think their car is spot welded to yours and they have to stay a hair's length off your asshole. People in California were bad about this, but in Wichita they'll not stop if you have to stop and run into you at full speed. Being in Wichita in no time I was rear-ended 4 times and almost rear-ended 5 other times, luckily they hit their breaks hard enough.

10) 30 miles per hour speed limit on a high way?

That's right. In Wichita the city seems to believe that everyone still drives a model-T and that the maximum speed limit anywhere in the city is 45, but that is very rare. If you want to get to 50, you need to go way out of the city. The interstate is 60, and in most states it's 70.

Nobody gives a fuck about Dimebag Darrell - 23-Nov-2008 @ 15:18

Some time back a guy did the world a favor by shooting the guitarist for the band Pantera. As if Pantera's music wasn't bad enough, the guitarist's name was "Dimebag Darrell"; that name is so funny, it's a barrel of fucking monkeys.

I think one of the most important pieces of information is that 90% of Americans have never heard of Pantera, and out of the 10% that have, before the shooting only 0.000001% knew who Dimebag Darrell was. After the shooting, many more people knew who Pantera was (good career move on their part) and every moron below the arctic and above Mexico with any interest in rock music suddenly always knew who Dimebag Darrell was and they were personally hurt by his death.

Stop lying, none of you knew who that asshole was. If he were some random member of a band nobody at all knew of, then would you care?

I admit, this rant is a bit late, time has passed and nobody gives a shit about Pantera once again. Just wait until the guitarist for... say The Mighty Mighty Bosstones gets capped, I bet he'll be hot shit that everyone knew.

More updates coming soon - 02-Nov-2008 @ 14:43

If there is nothing I hate more in life than standard bullshit it's University of Phoenix. I created a new rant about them, you can read it on my latest rant page.

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