Adventures of an Asshole

Because you suck

 

Adventures of an Asshole

Hi, my name is Tony, and I'm an asshole. I have lived in a lot of places, I've met a lot of people, and I've been involved with some less than moral people. This page here is documentation of my real life.

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Gym Class Heroes will destroy the Universe - 23-Sep-2008 @ 19:19

If you've ever wondered why people kill themselves, well I might have something that psychiatrists might be interested in. Fundamentally speaking, I think Gym Class Heroes are the cause of every self inflicted gun shot wound, plunge off of a bridge or building, or purposefully eating raw meat and hoping for the worst.

But why?

Well, if you have ever heard of them, it isn't hard to figure this out.

A couple of years ago, i.e. 2006, I first heard Travis McCoy open his mouth in the single "Bring It" by Cobra Starship. It wasn't necessarily his song, but it was garbage enough to cause the universe to ripple in terror. Here is the video:

DISCLAIMER: I take no responsibility for any eye gouging and ear-drum popping that happens during the watching of this video.

If you made it through the video or just didn't want to watch, we can all agree that it is utter shit. The guy with the long brown hair, that kind of looks like a woman, reminds me of a guy I went to high school with named Nathan, except the guy in the video is a billion times gayer. As for the song, anyone who doesn't believe it's complete garbage, is a fucking idiot.

If Travis McCoy had not already done enough damage polluting young minds with his garbage, he actually made a video for the song called "The Queen and I". Basically the song is about how his girlfriend is a total alcoholic, gets in dangerous situations, might even die, but who cares I'm Travis McCoy. You can look this video up yourself.

Once the world thought it was safe again, Gym Class Heroes created another vomit inducing video for us to watch. This time it was the song "Cupid's Chokehold", which was originally released a year before but didn't even make it into the top 1 billion hits of the year because of how shitty it was. Somehow it managed to slip by the sane and came into being. The highest it got was to #4 (actually #3 in Ireland, but nobody likes those fucking Micks anyway).

Basically "Cupid's Chokehold" uses the music and chorus, as well as the "ba ba da da" part from the Supertramp song "Breakfast in America."

Wait, who the fuck is Supertramp?

That's exactly the response I get when I tell people this song is a terrible rip off. Granted, I'm not the world's biggest fan of 1970s and 80s rock band Supertramp, but even their worst song is still better than Gym Class Heroes' best song.

This is the original Supertramp song:

 

Okay, so it wasn't bad at all, it's a decent song I guess, at least for the time.

However he's the Titanic sized catastrophe that Travis McCoy helped create:

I suggest not listening to it. Basically it is the worst pseudo-cover with the worst pseudo-sample in the entire history of humanity. Nothing at all compares to the complete, tacky, played out horse shit that Gym Class Heroes has created. My friend Tom Wonder questioned how this song could have 20 million views on youtube, considering how terrible it is, I wonder the same.

Beyond a doubt, I am convinced that if Gym Class Heroes makes another song the Universe will implode on itself and the end will come in a ball of compressed plasma.

Then again, I welcome it, because I'd rather fucking die than ever hear them again.

I hate my neighbors - 24-Aug-2008 @ 08:50

I have five neighbors that I really hate, and I'm not talking about the kind of hate where you wish they would go away. I am talking about the kind of hate where you pray to God every night that he smites them with the likeness of Lot's wife and turns them into a pillar of salt.

I live in an apartment so I have to share near-quarters with the likeness of individuals that shouldn't be allowed to be in contact with other human beings, much less live amongst them. Proof of this can be shown with the following:

1) Upstairs lives a crazy woman and her crazy husband. Every night, all night, she beats him up, kicks him out, stomps all night long. In the day time she listens to her radio very loud while cleaning, so loud I can hear the voices of the music clearly through the ceiling. Yes, I have complained to the office, but her brother or some such shit owns the apartment complex, so there's nothing I can really do about it. 

Earlier this week I heard them fleeing their apartment and yelling. From behind my door, I could hear everything clearly. Apparently the oldest retard of their children had done something to short circuit the fuse box, and caused a fire. Or maybe I should put it, "YA'LL DONE SET THE HOUSE ON FIYA!" He ran off down the street and she chased him as his moron friends hooted and hollered. 

The fire department showed up. It turned out not to be a big deal, but it sure was fucking nice of them not to tell other people they set the place on fire. And the next few days I was treated to the sounds of construction as their upstairs shanty was fixed.

In all honesty, they aren't as bad as my old neighbors -- which was a giant, fat ass, white trash lady who had a bunch of kids in a two bedroom apartment and stayed up all night, and they would play kickball between the apartment buildings, breaking windows, and so forth.

2) I think everyone has one of these neighbors. It's the guy who thinks he's hot shit being a weekend warrior, revving up his Harley-Davidson knockoff every night after he returns from his office job. Honestly, this motorcycle shit is really fucking retarded. I can't believe anyone is into this. I realize the re-birth, of sorts, occurred because of shows like West Coast Choppers and American Chopper. 

Let me make something clear, if you are one of these people. In those shows, the people featured are call, you are not. You are everything that is totally uncool, and your friends won't tell you, but right now, I am trying to help you save yourself; you look like a fucking idiot. Nobody buys your bad ass attitude.

3) For some reason or another, the woman that lives catty-corner to me slams her door every single day, at exactly 7:35AM. slam, SLAM, SLAM, SLAM!!!!. To what purpose? I have no fucking idea. I've watched her do it. For some reason, I haven't confronted her about it. I guess that's because I enjoy watching people get yelled at, at a distance, and I'm hoping someone else will say something. I don't know much about her other than she's got a giant ass, and makes a lot of fucking noise, to the point where it can knock pictures off my wall -- not even joking.

4) There's another guy with a really shitty car. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact my car is pretty shitty, but he really needs to rethink living close to other people. He comes into the neighborhood every night making a noise much like you'd expect in downtown Sarajevo. If I didn't know any better, I'd say his car has a shopping cart trapped under it. It's the kind of noise where you really wish you could stab your ears out with a pencil.

5) Perhaps one of my favorite people to watch from a distance is the "crip gang member" that lives directly across from me. I always seem him walking around at various hours in the day and night. He's a hefty, slightly down's syndrome looking guy. Whether he's alone or not, he's rapping to himself about killing cops and shooting people -- none of which rhymes. My favorite part is that he's a white guy, not only that but he carries his blue bandanna, like he's a crip gang member, even throwing up crip signs, except there's one problem -- he always wears the bandanna on the wrong side of his body. I sometimes wonder if he really is slightly retarded.

Ron Paul Supports, Utter Morons? - 24-Jul-2008 @ 22:21

I know it's bad to say something like "Ron Paul Supporters are utter morons", and I actually know at least two that are good people, they aren't stupid, but I'm going to discuss the broader group here. The ones in the media, the ones who annoy the hell out of everyone, the ones who -- if I didn't know better -- you'd think are actually trying to keep him from getting elected.

First and foremost, I honestly do not agree with what most things Ron Paul says, and also the fact this is the same guy who says that most criminals are black (95% according to him), among other things, but I haven't been able to personally verify that they are true, so I won't discuss them. I'd rather not say something about someone if it isn't true.

I remember first hearing about Ron Paul sometime last year, probably around summer, though I honestly can't remember exactly when it was. The first thing I noticed is how the supporters of his, the ones in the public eye, were far more fervent the your average Islamic Fundamentalist, taking everything he says as if it is the word of God. Not to mention spamming both the internet and the real world with posters, fliers, and other garbage. 

I guess, though, this isn't much different than what has happened in the post, the strangest part is his audience. Most people seem to think his support is massive, but it really isn't. When you have a lot of young people on the Internet, who aren't even old enough to vote, posting on forum on top of fucking forum about how this man wants to switch back to the gold standard, wants to legalize drugs, and wants to get out of Iraq.

Generally, most supporters of him only have one or two reasons to support him, and don't agree with any thing else. The oddest thing is how some will just blindly accept whatever he says, so long as they can get their drugs. It's like buying a car so long as it is blue, who cares if it runs, whether or not all the wheels are on it, it's blue, and that's all that matters.

This comes with the egotistical nature of young people today, and thinking that not only is every and truthful and honest as them, but they are victims. This is an actual question for Ron Paul's Campaign posted on Slashdot:

I'm a college graduate with a decent job in a technical field. I pay my taxes, my debts are minimal. I get along well with others, and am close to my family. I like to think that I am a good citizen and contribute to society. Yet because I smoke marijuana instead of drinking beer when I come home from work, my government has declared war on me. 

HOLY SHIT A FORMER COLLEGE STUDENT THAT DOES DRUGS, OMFG SO RARE! 

That aside, okay, so this guy is Mr. Wonderful and does nothing wrong -- hell you probably couldn't find more honest people in Washington. Too bad he's a fucking moron. What kind of self-centered fucktard actually believes that when something is illegal, and they aren't a bad person when doing it, that automatically everyone else is in the same position.

OH SURE, NO BODY WHO DOES DRUGS EVER DOES ANYTHING WRONG, THEY'RE JUST DECLARING WAR ON ME, BECAUSE I'M A HIGH CLASS, WHITE, COLLEGE GRADUATE.

Yeah, you heard it here first. All drug users are just meaninglessly being declared war on for the sake of doing it. Or maybe you would believe that it's to keep an industry quiet, you know because hemp is a cure of oil shortages, cotton, paper, cancer, and airplanes falling out of the sky. 

Too bad Ron Paul never really said drugs should be legalized, instead he says it should be left up to states. It's funny that druggies think that everyone sympathizes with them, and of course everyone secretly does it, so given the chance could easily legalize it in their states. Oh wait, too bad this is a Republic, not a democracy, they can't do jack shit.

I think the issue here is that most people who support Ron Paul fall into three categories, 1) Morons, who actually believe the dumb shit promoted by Ron Paul, his supporters, and also the Libertarian Party. 2) People who only care about drugs, it doesn't matter who is getting elected, could be Genghis Khan, but who cares AS LONG AS I HAVE MY DRUGS, 3) People who don't know any better. 4) This doesn't count as one in the list, but this is the safety zone for the extremely small percentage of those who don't fit into the first three.

Right now Ron Paul is in dead last place in the Republican Primary, he is simply not going to become the nominee. I wouldn't be surprised if he moves to the independent ticket. I imagine he'll get about as many votes as Michael Badnarik did 4 years ago, which is around 1%. Maybe, due to the Internet spamming that is going on, he might get 2%, but I wouldn't aim that high, mostly because a lot of his supporters are underage, foreigners, or simply just don't/won't vote.

As for earlier when I mentioned how it seems like they don't want to get him elected. When you act like a candidate is a god, most people around you think you're crazy and stupid. Not to mention when you throw snow balls at other candidates and news casters, and harass many other people. Do you honestly think this will help you get your candidate elected?

There are so many things I could get into, talking about his economics, and his politics in general. But it doesn't really matter, because there's no chance in hell he's getting elected.

Ron Paul isn't a Republican, he's a Libertarian, and just because there's all of a sudden a storm against John McCain, doesn't mean Republicans will flock to Ron Paul. He makes people uncomfortable, not only because of his politics, but because he looks like a lizard, and sounds like he's a 12 year old girl.

Here's some another Slashdot posts, but ones I agree with:

How about the "Ron Paul stands just about as much chance of being elected as you do" posts? It doesn't really matter if the person reading is 15, an atheist, Chinese, or a member of Al Qaeda; the statement is still accurate.

The best thing about Ron Paul this year is how he can be the ultimate form of humiliation. Pundits and pollsters were all over Rudy "9/11" Giuliani before the primaries started. Some of them were practically writing his victory speeches before the first vote had been cast. Then people started voting and he got less votes than even Ron Paul.

As far as the "nut" complaint, just Google "Gold Standard". He's also protectionist as hell. He also stands behind a lot of things that Slashdotters find acceptable that are political suicide in America today (legalize drugs, gay marrage is ok, privatize Social Security). It's one thing to be against "wasteful government spending", but when it ends up involving people dying on the street (social programs), it's a lot harder to stomach. From a purely economic point of view it is probably better to let the mentally ill and unemployable just die on the street instead of subsidizing them for the rest of their life, but that's not what most people consider acceptable for the first world.

------

Oh geez, someone has been drinking the Gold Standard Kool-Aid. Do you know why we got away from the gold standard? Because it was one of the major causes of the Great Depression. It is also far less flexible than the monetary systems we use today such that an attempt to go back to it would cause a major deflation in the currency while skyrocketing the value of gold. Oh, and guess who has a lot of holding in gold? You guessed it, Ron Paul. The Wikipedia article [wikipedia.org] alone has some rather compelling reasons why return to the Gold Standard is a bad idea.

He keeps saying he's for free trade, but whenever a vote comes up he votes protectionist.

States rights is a familiar dodge for people who rooted for the South in the Civil war but don't want to give the appearance of being pro-slavery. In here it appears to be a way to dodge for uncomfortable social issues that, while probably correct in the long term, are politically unpopular today.

Worst Songs of 2007 - 24-Jun-2008 @ 11:52

The following are the worst songs of 2007. Keep in mind this does not necessarily mean the song was made in 2007, but rather it was played more than it should have been in 2007 and became widely known at that time. I don't really give a shit if it came out in the 1950s, if nobody knew about it until 2007, what difference does it make?

10) Any song recorded by Akon
Watch out Peter Frampton, it looks like someone is attempting to get in on your overuse of the talk box. For those who don't know, a talk box is a device which helps people make a goofy sound, and some people are so retarded as to think that Peter Frampton is "making his guitar talk". Recently it has become much more popular in the hip hop community, but Akon seems to think the only way to make a song is to sound like this. If he is making songs and is not using a talk box, for the love of god, someone get this man a speech therapist. He also seems to be unable to create a song without using the word "convic" at the beginning, yes it looks like the word "convict", but he never pronounces the "T" so I didn't put it. He's at number 10 because he is not the worst, but on principal for overuse of post production sound effects and/or a talk box, he probably deserves a beating in the street.
 
9) Baby Boy da Prince - The Way I Live
Well, it might be the way he lives, but when I hear this song, I honestly can't stand living at all. He tries to sound like he's on drugs or possibly drunk; god only knows what's cool these days. His song basically details "little boys still pushing big bills" among other things. I wonder if he realizes that money he has is only an advance from the record company and he has to actually make that money and pay it back. I guess he will figure it out when the way he's living is meetings with the IRS and a CPA after his next record flops.
 
8) Mims - This Is Why I'm Hot
I won't be the first to say that this song is not hot at all. It sounds almost exactly like #9, but is slightly more asinine. The song essential goes on and on about why this guy is some seriously hot shit, but why I, and by extension everyone else, is not hot. I am not sure what else to say, other than this song could only impress someone with an IQ under 70. This is essentially a modern way to put the old "Leave the zero and get with the hero" pickup line. We're all impressed Mims.
 
7) Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
Maybe big girls don't cry, but I'm going to cry if I have to hear this song again. I guess the song implies that Fergie is a big girl and therefore should not cry. Well big girls may not cry, but they do make shitty music.
 
6) Omarion - Ice Box
I don't know if Omarion realized this song sounds a lot like a few different Ginuwine songs, but that aside the whole of the song is not too bad. There are many songs that sound exactly like it, so it is easy to put in the background and ignore it completely, that is, until the chorus. Let me break it down for you: smooth lyrics, a verse, and then I'M SO COLD, I'M SO COLD, I'M SO COLD. I didn't realize it was a fucking screamo song. Good god, I cannot think of a more horrible mixing of music. What the hell was this guy thinking?
 
5) John Mayer - Waiting On The World To Change
Just like most of John Mayer's other songs, this song lacks real kick and can be considered elevator or hold music. This song goes on and on about how useless young people are and aren't going to do anything, so we might as well wait for the world to change. He is a champion of graffiti artists -- oh, that is ones he likes, you know post-hippie, beatnik, Rasta types who live in studio apartments. Let's just say that I'm waiting on John Mayer to stop making music.
 
4) Anything by Soulja Boy
This is by far the worst rapper in the history of music. This no talent assclown is huge among young people, especially wiggers; you know those white boys who think they're black, but everyone thinks they're idiots, especially real black people. His songs essentially follow a pattern of a few sounds ending in a high pitched noise, then saying his own name. I swear to god, every time I hear any of his music I have to change the station, and seriously consider walking into traffic to end the pain.
 
3) Jennifer Lopez - Do It Well
Apparently Jennifer Lopez has not been doing anything well, after disappearing for a long time doing god knows what, she came back with a song released on the very unpopular Rhapsody music service. Whether it was by contract or just poor choice, Rhapsody decided to over advertise her new album Brave with a clip from the video for this song. In the clip, the music reminds me of something that should have been released about 10 years ago. Ms. Lopez seems to still think it is 1997 and it's okay to make Latin Pop that annoys everyone. The part that bothers me the most, other than the over the top theatrics, is when she rubs her hands together like she's some kind of mad scientist -- it looks so incredibly retarded, I want to stab my own eyes out.
 
2) Saliva - Ladies and Gentlemen
You know, this song almost made it to number one, but the annoyance factor wasn't strong enough. The first time I heard this song was on the radio earlier this year, however a certain unnamed video game commercial decided to use it in their commercial and make me mute the TV every time it comes on. In the song it essentially repeats "Ladies and Gentlemen" and tries to do this whole three ringed circus routine. The chorus is even more god awful, with this voice and music that does not match the rest of the song saying "Welcome to the show". If it wasn't bad enough to look at these assholes when they are on TV and hear their stupid southern accents, now it's all being reflected in their music too. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the #2 spot on the worst songs of 2007.
 
1) The Weepies - Stars
This song was featured in a variety of places, most notably the Old Navy Christmas commercials. It features a woman singing much like Bob Dillon in a flat, monotone, emotionless voice "you've got yours, and I've got mine". Every time this song plays, I seriously think about killing myself. I consider it the worst song in the history of humanity. Sometimes I wonder if artists are intentionally trying to make the most horrible songs they can, just to see how many people will buy it. I realize this indy-pop bullshit is starting to become popular again, but when the bubble pops in about a year, as it has many times before, I will dance naked in the streets, thanking God I will never have to hear this song on TV or radio again.

The best I can describe this song is if a Latoya Jackson decided to start making indy music by covering Bob Dillon songs and attempting to sing exactly like him. So, essentially, the absolutely worst voice ever. I'd rather listen to any of the other top 9 songs on this list for the rest of my life, than to ever hear this song in full. Their records should be burned in effigy.

You may have noticed that the top three are in TV commercials, that's probably because someone would have to have absolutely no taste in music to play it anywhere else, and only corporate contracts and blowjobs will get it played. When I say these are the worst songs of 2007, they are mostly just padding for the top five. The top five make me lose just a little bit more faith in humanity every time I hear any of them. I hope these people go out like Kurt Cobain; god willing, they will.

Taco Bell, abode of retards? - 25-May-2008 @ 01:23

First Story

Tonight I went to Taco Bell and had to deal with some of the dumbest white trash women I have ever met.

I drove up to the menu and here is the conversation I had with the lady. Keep in mind she spoke very slowly, like she was trying to figure out what the next word was going to be:

Lady: Hol' on one minu'e.
(About 3 minutes later, I'm a patient man)
Lady: How are you today?
Me: Good, let me have a Grande Meal -- All Soft Tacos, No Lettuce.
Lady: OK, a Grande Meal, with what?
Me: All Soft Tacos, with No Lettuce.
Lady: OK, a Grande Meal, all Soft with No Lettuce?
Me: Are you sure you got a Grande Meal, sure no Lettuce?
Lady: Yes, $some amount of money, please come around to the window

So, I drive up (this is the part where you imitate car engine sounds) and give her my credit card (I never carry cash). She takes it from me and disappears for a little while. Finally she comes back and gives me a soda (though, I didn't order one, but I love free shit). The top was barely on and it almost fell, because you obviously should just throw things out the drive thru window and expect customers to catch it.

She gives me back my card and I hand the bag to my old lady so she can make sure the order is correct.

Believe me, it is correct -- if the goal were to do the opposite. All soft with no lettuce obviously means to put more lettuce than Zeus himself could consume on it.

So, I park and go take it in, because I'm not going to pick that shit off and still taste lettuce and all that. I believe in getting what you pay for (sometimes more than that). 

I walk in there and there is a guy in front of me who is waiting to get his order fixed too. He receives his correct order and leaves.

Some White Trash Girl with Raccoon Eyes and a Fat Ass: What's the problem?
(And not the good kind of fat ass, the kind that's like a balloon of eggs and ham)
Me in a polite tone: I ordered all soft tacos with no lettuce, and these have lettuce?
SWTGwREaaFA: And what's the problem?
Me slightly irritated: Well, the fact that I ordered no lettuce and received unwanted lettuce.
SWTGwREaaFA: *scoffs and snatches the bag off the counter*

She then turns around and proceeds to bitch and moan to some other skinny white trash girl with raccoon eyes about how the order is wrong and I "apparently" said no lettuce. I just roll my eyes at this point.

Meanwhile a guy stands behind me and says his order is wrong, then about 30 seconds later an older man comes in and says the same, finally about a minute later an old lady comes in and says her order is wrong. Then a guy comes from the restaurant (sit down) area and says he said no lettuce on his supreme tacos.

I thought to myself, "is this some kind of alternate universe? A cruel world where orders are always incorrect?"

I overhear some older woman behind the counter talking to the drive thru lady. I can't really make out what they're saying, but apparently this girl is absolutely retarded and can barely count, chiefly due to the fact I heard the older woman mention something about "you always incorrectly count change."

Cut back to these two white trash girls bitching and moaning to each other about how "customers don't know what the fuck they want"

I say loudly across the counter  "Excuse me, did you just say we don't know what we want? Surely the person before me and these people behind me ordered correctly. Maybe if you wouldn't put retards at the drive thru, you wouldn't have to work overtime fixing someone else's fuck ups and blaming them on the customers."

She looks like she's about to say something, but stops because it's clear she's hopped from job to job (fast-food mostly, maybe tanning salons). Then she says "I'm gettin' the manager!"

So, that old lady that was yelling at the retarded girl comes up to me and says that she's sorry for messing up my order. I ask her if she is trying to run a business or run people away.

Strangely enough she agrees with me and I get extra tacos for my trouble. I tell the people behind me that I can't wait until the taco bell a mile away opens and I won't have to deal with these fuck ups.

The raccoon eyed, fat ass girl drops my bag on the counter and says "Here you go" and I say "Thank you, and good luck with your successful life."

I mosey on out of there.

Second Story

There used to be a Taco Bell right down the street from me, but it got torn down. Strangely enough it was run by a bunch of Indians, of whom barely spoke any English at all. 

It was very common for them to get my order wrong, so much so that I got used to just ordering inside because I knew they'd fuck it up. Over time, though, it got better so I started going through the drive thru again. 

However right before they tore it down, they had some guy at the drive thru that I don't even think he spoke English.

One time in particular I ordered the same thing as in the first story. Instead of doing it correctly I received supreme chicken hard shelled tacos. I do not think you can get any more wrong than that.

I go in to get it fixed and the guy who took my order is actually the drive thru guy. He tells me "I thought you said chicken tacos with extra lettuce" I replied "How does that sound anything like 'All soft with no lettuce'?"

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