Adventures of an Asshole

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Stories - Icecream Cone Killer - 24-Sep-2007 @ 13:31

It was 1998 and Nick and I were standing outside the doughnut shop that was next to the teen center (see Teen Center Fun) waiting for something interesting to happen. Nick motions to me some police officer named "Officer Kelly" that kept harassing him once for littering. A second passed then he said, "Let's go get some ice cream."

It wasn't common for us to get ice cream, but because the teen center was giving away one free ice-cream cone a day for a week, we figured we better take advantage of the deal. After all, it sucks being hot under that big ass California sun, we needed something to cool us off.

While waiting for the jackass teen center guy to make us our ice cream cones, a nice looking girl walked by and I said, "Damn baby, you're gonna melt all this ice cream", referring to her more than hot body. I was hoping to mack on her for a while, but she just gave me this ugly look and kept walking by.

At first we were eating our ice cream while some douche behind us on a couch was talking about his band "Fishbowl Holden" and how they were starting this "whole new scene in the area." He was clearly trying to mack on these two hot ladies sitting next to him.

Nick couldn't stand the site of this and said, "Fishbowl sucks". The guy replied, "You suck cock.." Without missing a beat, Nick's best reply was, "Only that giant dick-like clit between your mother's legs."

The guy stood up and said, "It sure looks like you're both sucking a bunch of big white cocks eating on those ice cream cones."

Oh no he didn't! I said, "Bitch, Fishbowl does suck, I got more rhythm just jacking off than your entire band, and do you ever come up with a better bass line than just hitting the same cord over and over again?"

He stood there like he was going to try to start a fight with us. The two girls he was trying to get with were laughing and shortly got up and walked away. While waiting to see if this bastard was going to try to throw down, Nick said, "Fuck this, let's go outside."

While standing outside the teen center, the cop from earlier was doing something in his trunk, it looked like he was preparing to put on a bullet proof vest or something.

Nick yelled out "Get a fork! I smell bacon!"

The cop finished what he was doing, shut his trunk and walked over to us and actually asked, "Do you two punks want to start something?" Sounds like Serpico or something, doesn't it?

I didn't say anything, mostly because I didn't want to end up in a situation similar to that of Rodney King. I wasn't scared, because I realize that most cops just have to do their dick-thing and you can either stand there and take it or get beaten down; also, I'm not black. Nick, however, prefers to not take shit from anyone.

The cop didn't say anything else, turned around, and started to walk away. And that dumb ass Nick threw and hit him in the back of the head with an ice cream cone. Immediately I bolted like a little bitch and left Nick for dead, heading for the Burger King where Nick and I always met whenever we have to run from people.

About 20 minutes went by and he still wasn't there. I figured he had been arrested. Turning around, I noticed that someone had spray painted "Meet is Murer [sic]" on the wall. Fucking idiot vegans, they're murdering the English language. As I was shaking my head in shame at the human race, Nick ran up nearly out of breath, stinking of vinegar, cayenne pepper, and nutmeg simultaneously. Also, he appeared to be wet.

In between heavy breaths he told me that after I ran off the cop pulled out his can of mace and tried to mace him but Nick turned around and started running like hell. However the cop managed to wet his back and shoulders with it.

He said the smell was enough to kill him, and I knew what he meant, standing next to him was bad enough there was so damn much. Apparently he had run in the complete opposite direction of Burger King and ran in a major 'roundabout way to get to Burger King and to lose the cop.

After taking off his shirt and me spraying him down and his face with a water hose in back (that I assume is to be used to wash away the rotting trash smell) we left. It took us nearly twice long to get back to my neighborhood avoiding the major streets and cutting through back yards and such.

Nearly a week later he decides it's a good idea to return to the teen center, because, "why would that same cop be there again?"

We walked into the building that's attached to the teen center so that we could go in the back way. Right when we opened the door we saw that same cop right there talking with some bald, fat guy.

He looked right at us and I froze up, but Nick said, "What's up?" while walking by, and the cop didn't even recognize us. It was unbelievable.