Adventures of an Asshole

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Rants - Popular places that are no big deal (Part I) - 21-Feb-2009 @ 21:50

Welcome to the first addition of "Popular places that are no big deal". Now, to clarify, these are cities that are, for whatever reason, really popular but in reality are really fucking stupid and should never have been popular. I've never lived in these cities, so this isn't one of those stupid teenage angst things "anywhere I live is the worst place to live."

So, let's get to it.

Peoria, Illinois

For some fucking reason Peoria is a place where tons of musicians stop when they tour. Here are some facts about Peoria (from Wikipedia):

  1. The city of Peoria is home to a United States courthouse, the Peoria Civic Center (which includes Carver Arena), and the world headquarters for Caterpillar Inc..

    Read: Peoria is the home to one of nearly 500 court houses in the US, a meeting place most cities have, and a factory. It's a barrel of fucking monkeys.
  2. Peoria is one of the oldest settlements in Illinois, much older than Chicago, as explorers first ventured up the Illinois River from the Mississippi.

    Just because it's older doesn't mean it's better; if that was true, I'd want to fuck your grandma instead of your sister. Maybe they should change their city motto to: Maybe you should have gone to Chicago!
  3. Peoria consistently ranks in the Top 10 Best Mannered Cities in America as compiled by etiquette expert Marjabelle Young Stewart.

    So, other than having an unwarranted sense of importance, they're also pompous.
  4. Peoria has become famous as a representation of the average American city because of its demographics and its perceived mainstream Midwestern culture. On the Vaudeville circuit, it was said that if an act would succeed in Peoria, it would work anywhere. The question "Will it play in Peoria?" has now become a metaphor for whether something appeals to the American mainstream public, and Peoria is often used as a test market for new products, services,...

    In other words, they're so bland and ununique that they're the center of testing, maybe next they'll test some chemical weapons.
  5. Peoria is the 150th largest radio market in the United States and the 117th largest TV market in the United States.

    Could they make the city sound less important? It's like one of those T-ball matches for kids, "Well Jimmy Peoria, Jr, you came in 150th place, but you're still a winner! Here's a trophy!" Except, in reality, they're still losers.

Here are some reader thoughts on Peoria:

i knew a cripple guy from peoria, and to be honest, that's the only thing i can equate it with - anonymous

I have a friend who has this group of idiot friends he always visits in peoria.... so i associate peoria with retarded dumbasses - big tom

Anything else worth mentioning wasn't actually worth mentioning. Peoria is really the dullest place on Earth, and perhaps touring Truth or Consequences, New Mexico would be a better choice - at least the name is cool, and that means it already has a lot more going for it.

Lawrence, Kansas

If you enjoy reading passive aggressive letters on the Internet, or enjoy indie bands, surely you've heard of Lawrence, Kansas. This place rivals Peoria in how completely unimportant it is. There are much bigger cities surrounding it, however since Lawrence is a college town, this obviously makes it the cultural Mecca of the tri-state area. If a band tours Peoria, sure as hell they're going to Lawrence.

The fact that it's a college town automatically gives it +10,000 retard points (Berkeley has gone beyond the threshold of retard points possible). There is almost nothing worse in the world than a college town,.. well except maybe a town in Florida or Biloxi, Mississippi. Other than shitty indie bands with cheeky songs including strange sounds from buckets, anuses, and long dicks, here is the next greatest event happening in Lawrence:

Dollar Bowling
Royal Crest Bowling Lanes
9:00pm–1:00am
Lawrence, KS

At least they have dollar bowling; this way a grad student can actually afford to take a freshman out on a date, so he can get her turned on bragging about his thesis on Tolstoy and how he thinks the 13 colonies were pre-capitalist long before the establishment of the union.

If you ever see me in Peoria or Lawrence, you knew I've fucked up my life big time.