Adventures of an Asshole

Unwarranted Self-importance Galore

 

Rants - Worst Songs of 2007 - 24-Jun-2008 @ 11:52

The following are the worst songs of 2007. Keep in mind this does not necessarily mean the song was made in 2007, but rather it was played more than it should have been in 2007 and became widely known at that time. I don't really give a shit if it came out in the 1950s, if nobody knew about it until 2007, what difference does it make?

10) Any song recorded by Akon
Watch out Peter Frampton, it looks like someone is attempting to get in on your overuse of the talk box. For those who don't know, a talk box is a device which helps people make a goofy sound, and some people are so retarded as to think that Peter Frampton is "making his guitar talk". Recently it has become much more popular in the hip hop community, but Akon seems to think the only way to make a song is to sound like this. If he is making songs and is not using a talk box, for the love of god, someone get this man a speech therapist. He also seems to be unable to create a song without using the word "convic" at the beginning, yes it looks like the word "convict", but he never pronounces the "T" so I didn't put it. He's at number 10 because he is not the worst, but on principal for overuse of post production sound effects and/or a talk box, he probably deserves a beating in the street.
 
9) Baby Boy da Prince - The Way I Live
Well, it might be the way he lives, but when I hear this song, I honestly can't stand living at all. He tries to sound like he's on drugs or possibly drunk; god only knows what's cool these days. His song basically details "little boys still pushing big bills" among other things. I wonder if he realizes that money he has is only an advance from the record company and he has to actually make that money and pay it back. I guess he will figure it out when the way he's living is meetings with the IRS and a CPA after his next record flops.
 
8) Mims - This Is Why I'm Hot
I won't be the first to say that this song is not hot at all. It sounds almost exactly like #9, but is slightly more asinine. The song essential goes on and on about why this guy is some seriously hot shit, but why I, and by extension everyone else, is not hot. I am not sure what else to say, other than this song could only impress someone with an IQ under 70. This is essentially a modern way to put the old "Leave the zero and get with the hero" pickup line. We're all impressed Mims.
 
7) Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
Maybe big girls don't cry, but I'm going to cry if I have to hear this song again. I guess the song implies that Fergie is a big girl and therefore should not cry. Well big girls may not cry, but they do make shitty music.
 
6) Omarion - Ice Box
I don't know if Omarion realized this song sounds a lot like a few different Ginuwine songs, but that aside the whole of the song is not too bad. There are many songs that sound exactly like it, so it is easy to put in the background and ignore it completely, that is, until the chorus. Let me break it down for you: smooth lyrics, a verse, and then I'M SO COLD, I'M SO COLD, I'M SO COLD. I didn't realize it was a fucking screamo song. Good god, I cannot think of a more horrible mixing of music. What the hell was this guy thinking?
 
5) John Mayer - Waiting On The World To Change
Just like most of John Mayer's other songs, this song lacks real kick and can be considered elevator or hold music. This song goes on and on about how useless young people are and aren't going to do anything, so we might as well wait for the world to change. He is a champion of graffiti artists -- oh, that is ones he likes, you know post-hippie, beatnik, Rasta types who live in studio apartments. Let's just say that I'm waiting on John Mayer to stop making music.
 
4) Anything by Soulja Boy
This is by far the worst rapper in the history of music. This no talent assclown is huge among young people, especially wiggers; you know those white boys who think they're black, but everyone thinks they're idiots, especially real black people. His songs essentially follow a pattern of a few sounds ending in a high pitched noise, then saying his own name. I swear to god, every time I hear any of his music I have to change the station, and seriously consider walking into traffic to end the pain.
 
3) Jennifer Lopez - Do It Well
Apparently Jennifer Lopez has not been doing anything well, after disappearing for a long time doing god knows what, she came back with a song released on the very unpopular Rhapsody music service. Whether it was by contract or just poor choice, Rhapsody decided to over advertise her new album Brave with a clip from the video for this song. In the clip, the music reminds me of something that should have been released about 10 years ago. Ms. Lopez seems to still think it is 1997 and it's okay to make Latin Pop that annoys everyone. The part that bothers me the most, other than the over the top theatrics, is when she rubs her hands together like she's some kind of mad scientist -- it looks so incredibly retarded, I want to stab my own eyes out.
 
2) Saliva - Ladies and Gentlemen
You know, this song almost made it to number one, but the annoyance factor wasn't strong enough. The first time I heard this song was on the radio earlier this year, however a certain unnamed video game commercial decided to use it in their commercial and make me mute the TV every time it comes on. In the song it essentially repeats "Ladies and Gentlemen" and tries to do this whole three ringed circus routine. The chorus is even more god awful, with this voice and music that does not match the rest of the song saying "Welcome to the show". If it wasn't bad enough to look at these assholes when they are on TV and hear their stupid southern accents, now it's all being reflected in their music too. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the #2 spot on the worst songs of 2007.
 
1) The Weepies - Stars
This song was featured in a variety of places, most notably the Old Navy Christmas commercials. It features a woman singing much like Bob Dillon in a flat, monotone, emotionless voice "you've got yours, and I've got mine". Every time this song plays, I seriously think about killing myself. I consider it the worst song in the history of humanity. Sometimes I wonder if artists are intentionally trying to make the most horrible songs they can, just to see how many people will buy it. I realize this indy-pop bullshit is starting to become popular again, but when the bubble pops in about a year, as it has many times before, I will dance naked in the streets, thanking God I will never have to hear this song on TV or radio again.

The best I can describe this song is if a Latoya Jackson decided to start making indy music by covering Bob Dillon songs and attempting to sing exactly like him. So, essentially, the absolutely worst voice ever. I'd rather listen to any of the other top 9 songs on this list for the rest of my life, than to ever hear this song in full. Their records should be burned in effigy.

You may have noticed that the top three are in TV commercials, that's probably because someone would have to have absolutely no taste in music to play it anywhere else, and only corporate contracts and blowjobs will get it played. When I say these are the worst songs of 2007, they are mostly just padding for the top five. The top five make me lose just a little bit more faith in humanity every time I hear any of them. I hope these people go out like Kurt Cobain; god willing, they will.