Adventures of an Asshole

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Rants - Hog Wild Pit Bar-B-Q Sucks Pig Ass - 24-Apr-2008 @ 14:54

Today I tried a new restaurant and fucking hated it.

I went to Hog Wild Pit Bar-B-Q (nicely spelled name, huh?) to get some nice barbeque. Never having been to the location before, I take a look at the menu.

The menu is very vague, and when I say vague, I mean it says this: "Dinners: 1 meat, 2 meant, 3 meat" and nothing else. Of course, it has no pictures, but I don't need pictures -- if it tells me what it is.

So, I got beef brisket.

Usually, this comes on two hamburger buns with some barbeque sauce. However, this, instead came wrapped in tinfoil like an aluminum submarine sandwich, two pieces of bread, and French fries. Now, let's talk about these one at a time.

First, the French fries were the worst fucking fries I have ever had. They tasted exactly how McDonald's fries taste once you accidentally microwave them for 20 minutes while simultaneously farting on it like an elephant. I tried soaking them in salt, pepper, and ketchup, but that didn't change the fact that Dumbo took a dump on my fries.

Second, the bread. You think the Titanic is soaked? You are dead wrong. If only the sea were made of butter, the bread would be roughly equal to the square foot of soakage that the Titanic received. I know, it sounds like it would be good, but it wasn't. The bread was so rubbery it was like sucking off a soft dildo lubricated with Land O'Lakes.

Third, the entrée. Mother of god. I have had a lot of barbeque in my life, especially beef brisket, so I feel like I am capable of making a judgment call here. Last time I had beef brisket it was at a place called Rib Crib and it was fucking awesome. Go there! And the last time I had roast was a few weeks ago at my old lady's grand mother's house.

I mention the roast because, this meal tonight was not beef brisket. It was as if someone had lazily chopped up some roast, put the largest chunks in some tinfoil, sprinkled a tiny bit of barbeque sauce, and called it brisket. Not only did this taste nothing like brisket, it didn't taste anything like barbecue, it tasted almost exactly like roast. Only, unlike Grandma's roast, it was shitty, dry, and left a lingering taste. 

Did I lick a toilet seat at Disney World or eat some barbecue dashed roast passed off as a brisket tinfoil sub sandwich?

I only ate half and gave the rest to my dog. She seemed to enjoy it, but then again I do catch her in the cat litter box from time to time eating cat shit, I guess they must taste similar.

Never eat here, don't give these people your money.