Adventures of an Asshole

Because you suck


Stories - Where's My Garfield Book? - 25-Mar-2007 @ 22:37

This story takes place in 1999, just when I was finishing up school. Now, I'm not one to make fun of people, and only did if they were extremely stupid or just rude for no reason. In this case, this guy is both. It was almost the end of school, and I was so glad to finally escape the wrath of teachers and school administrators. But, it wasn't all fun and games, I had a few enemies, one of which was this guy named Kellen.

Kellen was overweight, had oily hair, wore basket ball shorts and sweatpants a lot, and was just all out hunch back looking. This wasn't reason enough to be mean to him, I'm not uncool like that. But he was a complete dick to everyone. He'd constantly say mean shit under his breath.

Chris, Robert, and I had him in our art class and he sat at the table across from ours, I failed art that year by the way, and every time we'd walk by he'd say things like "I want to kill you!" Now, don't get me wrong, we tried many times to be cool with him and be somewhat friends, but it failed. So, we had to defend ourselves.

First to start was Robert. He was walking by Kellen and Kellen said something like "I hate you", and Robert said "How about another Twinkie, fat boy?" Instantly Kellen was caught off guard by this, nobody had attempted to fight back before, but now his days were numbered.

We mentioned Kellen to a few of our fellow asshole friends during lunch time one day, and one friend in particular took it upon himself to unleash hell upon Kellen, unbeknownst to us. It started in Kellen's PE class, in which said friend (Dave) was also in. During this time Dave broke into Kellen's gym locker and stole his prized Garfield book, promptly ripped it up into thousands of pieces and threw it in the trash can, then told us about it the next day at lunch.

After that Kellen kept asking us in that creepy, high pitched voice of his "Where's my Garfield book?", and it sounded so funny, it's become a joke between my fellow assholes and I. (I'll have an mp3 with me doing an impression of his voice, apparently I'm pretty good at it.) He'd ask us in art class almost everyday where it was, and we'd laugh so hard we could barely speak. Finally one time Robert yelled out "Can someone get this fat boy a twinkie so he'll shut the hell up?".

However, it doesn't end there. After about two weeks of this, and back and forth harassment, Kellen decides to tell the school councilor that we're making fun of him. And we all get called in. It was quite a sight, walking into that waiting room, I saw Robert and Chris there, and I knew that something bad was about to happen.

First she called in Chris, and Robert and I sat there and talked about what was going on for about 5 minutes, then Chris walks out with this look like he's using all his energy not to laugh. Then, she called in Robert, and while Chris and I were sitting there, we heard this giant burst of laughter from inside her office. It was Robert, and seconds later he came laughing out of there and the councilor had this angry look on her face as she called me in.

She asked me to sit down in this chair across from her and Kellen. I sat there, knowing that whatever made Chris and Robert laugh was bound to make me laugh as well, and doing my best to prepare myself for the scene ahead. The conversation went something like this:

Councilor: Do you know why you're here?
Me: I haven't the slightest.
Councilor: Kellen says you and your friends make fun of him.
Me: Only because he's mean to us and everyone else, we have to defend ourselves.
Kellen: No I'm not!
Me: Whatever, dude.
Councilor: Now, calm down, Kellen, how does it feel when they make fun of you?

Now, this is another impression I'll have to record to mp3 for you, it's also something my friends and I say to each other along with "where's my Garfield book?"

Kellen: *Points to heart* It's like a crushing feeling in my chest.
Me: *Cough to keep from laughing*
Councilor: Now tell Kellen you're sorry.
Me: Okay then. I'm sorry. Sorry for defending myself.
Councilor: Get out.

After that point I walk out laughing and Chris and Robert are still laughing. School was only in session a few more days, but for the rest of that time up until graduation, every time we saw Kellen, he'd tell us to eat shit.