Adventures of an Asshole

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Stories - How Nick Breaks Up With a Girl - 23-Feb-2007 @ 11:07

Back in 1998 or 1999, just before Nick and I parted ways and put an ocean between us; he had a girlfriend named Shelly. Now, Shelly was a nice girl, hell, she had big ass breasts, but Nick was fed up with her.

He had tried to break up with her many of times, but it never worked. She always dragged him back into the relationship. I should also mention that she was reluctant to give Nick any kind of action; she wasn't a tease or anything, but she wasn't as nearly as horny as Nick or I.

He had this "brilliant" idea that if he faked his suicide she would follow suit and thus, he would be free of her for good. I should mention, like I always do, that Nick isn't the most moral person, in fact I think he believes he's the only sentient human being on Earth. He would feel no guilt at all if he had caused the death of another person.

That said, one day Nick and I were hanging out at his house, where adult supervision of any kind was rare, and we were discussing old horror movies. He came up with this brilliant idea of how to fake his suicide that would finally break off the relationship with Shelly.

He told me: "She told me some shit about 'I'd die without you' or something, I don't know, I wasn't really listening to her bitching. I'm going to hold her to that though, however I'm not going to be the one dying first."

Just like in Night of the Living Dead, he would use chocolate sauce as blood and his black and white camera to take a picture as if it were a crime scene photo (because obviously cops use black and white pictures).

For the record, I thought this was the worst idea ever and that nobody in their right mind would even come close to believing it to be true, but then again, maybe I'm too trusting of the intelligence of most people.

He sprayed chocolate sauce on the floor, a big knife, and then on his wrist. It was the fakest faux-suicide I had ever seen. But being the friend that I am, I took the picture, which you can see here: nickdead.jpg

Afterward, we (or should I say he?) came up with how we would break the news to Shelly. I would hang around until the next time she called and break the news of Nick's tragic suicide. We could have probably got his mother to do it, or even his brother, but neither were around at the time.

She called, and I tell her the horrible news. It was the best acting of my life. In turn, she tells her mother, who calls various hospitals to ask if there were any kids brought in today that had attempted/committed suicide. Apparently fate won, and yes, there had, but they wouldn't release the name and she obviously assumed it was, indeed, Nick.

Shelly went to a different school than us, so believing Nick had committed suicide; he was completely free of her. She really wanted to see the picture, so I showed her, and she broke down right there. I didn't really feel bad though, and it may make me sound like a monster, but I thought it was funny as shit.

Also, somehow, the cops got involved. It's a mystery to us still how this happened, but they thought that maybe Nick was involved with some kind of cult and it was a ritualistic suicide. I think perhaps her mother phoned them and they got him confused with someone else and fate stepped in again.

However, it all came crashing down a few weeks later when Nick got online and showed himself to the world (and Shelly) once again. She dumped him on the spot, and at that moment they both became the two most na?ve people I know.

Nick and I still tell this story to friends, but not until now has it ever been in its entirety on the internet.