Adventures of an Asshole

Because you suck

 

Stories - Bitting Porno - 24-Dec-2007 @ 19:58

When I was in high school there was this kid that was what many would consider the future Jeffrey Dahmer. He was average height, but was super thin, lanky, dark greasy hair, pubic mustache, and a 10-year in the making rat-tail. Yes, my friends, a rat-tail.

Now, I'm not the type of person to go around making fun of people but this guy was bat-shit bonkers, and deserved every minute of it. He would bite people and threaten them with outlandish things. He was not, I repeat, NOT retarded, he was in all normal classes, and was just fucking crazy.

I never really had much contact with him until Nick, he, and I were in the same PE class. This guy's last name was Pourneaux, but he pronounced the X, we didn't. We called him "Porno", even though he didn't like that and screamed at us to stop.

In PE, Nick and I had to play tennis with him and his partner. His partner was some stupid jackass kid who was a future child molester. The guy would run his mouth constantly about people, but in a strange, almost perverted way.

At one point Nick missed the ball and so Porno decided to run his mouth about how Nick sucks at sports. Nick was quick to say, "Fuck you". I, on the other hand, asked Porno about his massive receding hairline and "complemented" him on how he resembled David Crosby with a rat-tail.

He told me, verbatim, "My dad is Wiccan and I'm gonna have him put a spell on you." Nick and I both looked at each other and started laughing our asses off. Porno kept running his mouth about how, even though his mother was Catholic, she let him be Wiccan. Until the end of PE every time Nick or I would serve the ball, we'd say "Mote it be!"

Nick had him in one of his classes, English if I recall correctly, and told me that he saw him playing Pokémon and when someone tried to touch his cards he hissed like a cat. A couple of weeks go by and Nick talks to a bunch of people Porno has messed with and finds out he gets away with biting people a lot, not to mention teachers hate him.

This is well before Columbine so I guess people didn't fear any kind of odd behavior. Not to mention my school had 3,500 students and about 50 kids to a class, so teachers had a hard time giving a shit.

With all of this information coming forth, I came to the conclusion that Porno need a bit of discipline he obviously wasn't getting at home. It was the last day of Tennis in PE so we decided that if he got up to any no good, we would lay the smack down, risking of course, getting suspended – but we didn't care about that.

Fate intervened the last day and we could play whatever teams we wanted, and nobody had selected to play with Porno and his butt buddy, so Nick and I jumped at the opportunity to be the ones to play. Porno serves first and fucks it all up and it goes rolling under the net and on to our side. Of course, he thinks he should get points for that. Nick goes to give them the ball and Porno comes up and bites him.

I scream, "What the fuck!?" and run over and slap the shit out him. Yes, I slapped him, mostly because I figured it would be ridiculous as biting someone. He takes his partner's tennis racket and puts it in his other hand; so now he's whirling around these two tennis rackets like he's some sort of insane windmill. He tries to hit me with one of his rackets, and I block it with mine like we're in some kind of fencing film.

After I block it I manage to take away one of his rackets and throw at. At this point more and more people are stopping and watching us defend ourselves against this future serial killer. The PE teacher, Coach Stone, just looked on, I guess bringing his fat ass over to stop the fighting would have burned too many calories for his liking.

Our tennis court is next to the building and there was this wheelchair ramp. Nick charges at him and slams him into the ramp railing and knocks him on his ass. Like a bull, Porno charged me, making this odd growling sound. I upper cut him. I cut myself on one of his teeth and blood was spewing out of my hand.

Using someone's racket, Nick held Porno on the ground with the arm of the racket against his throat. I wrap my hand in my shirt and kick the hell out of him. The entire time Coach Stone was looking on and never said or did anything.

Eventually Porno decided to tell the vice principal, but he didn't believe him as nobody would talk and it was his word against ours. Porno never messed with us again, but to this day old high school friends talk about how he bit so many people. I wonder what happened to him. I like to think somewhere out there he's still biting people.